Judging Other Moms

I remember the day hubby and I got married.  While we had our pictures taken, some of our family members were waiting in the sanctuary of the church.   As we stood smiling for the camera and eagerly anticipating our new life together, our nephews were running through the church.  Yep, running.  Like crazy monkeys!  They were 2 and 3.  I remember looking up into my new hubby's loving eyes and saying...

 "Our kids will NEVER act like that!"

Fast forward a few years and we were in the trenches of parenthood.  And you guessed it...our kids were now the crazy monkeys!  You know, the ones running up and down the isle at the grocery store. 

I shamefully admit that over the years I've been judging other moms.  When you don't know what is going on in their lives, it is so easy to pass judgement on them.   I would look at that mom at the checkout in the grocery store.  I would see her child throwing a fit and I would think..."that mom clearly needs to discipline her child".    Or I would see the child who gets everything she wants, the best clothes, toys, and gadgets and I would think she's just spoiled.

I've found a new way of looking at other moms.  Our autistic son gave me a new lens to see through.  You see, when I look at those moms~whether in the grocery store, the park, or even church~I really don't know what is going on in their lives.  What I see as a child throwing a tantrum because he can't have a piece of candy may really be a child with sensory issues who can't control his emotions with all the sights, sounds and smells going on around him.   And an exhausted mom who knew this outing would cause distress, but had no choice but to take him along.

We don't know that daddy just left that family to fight for our freedom.  We don't know that mom is struggling with self confidence and has no support system.  We don't know that grandma has moved in because it is no longer safe for her to be alone.  We don't know that a family is on the brink of financial ruin.   In my case, no one knew that my son was struggling with extreme behavior issues because of his autism and that it was creating chaos in our entire family.  I felt confused, hurt, angry, and alone.  Many times it was because someone has passed judgment on my parenting and I felt I had no where to turn.

We moms go through so many emotions each day, and we don't need to be passing misplaced judgment on each other.  When I see a mom in a situation where I would have passed judgment, I now start praying for that mom.  Yes, in the grocery store, park, church, or wherever.  God knows their situation and can get them through it. 

Judging other moms won't do that!

Blessings,


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Holidays~Sensory Overload For The Autistic Child

I LOVE all things Christmas.  I love the music.  I love the baking.  I love the tree and decorations.  I love the extra's at Church each week.  I love to listen to the Christmas story and have Christmas devotions.  I love the family parties.  I love Christmas!

Our 10 year old who is autistic has a VERY different opinion about the holidays.  He pretty much hates Christmas time.  He hates that the music is on in the house all the time.  He hates the different smells in the house as I am baking (and baking some more!).  He hates the distraction of all the decorations and twinkling lights.  He hates that Church isn't the same predictable service it is any other time of the year.  He hates the noise at the family parties and all the commotion.  He totally hates the disruption of his usually quiet and familiar routine.

So what do we do with these personality differences?

I will admit, this was a hard thing for me to grasp when we first found out about our son's difficulties.  I mean, who could possibly find Christmas annoying?  Several years ago when we were first noticing problems for him, we had a horrible holiday season.  He had constant meltdowns.  He was frustrated and we were too.  But we've learned a few things over the past few years that have helped keep our Christmas sane~both for us and him!

We try to keep things low key.  We have a few tradtions that we enjoy, but we try to keep things as routine for him as possible.  We've found that this is not only a joy for him, but it is for the rest of us as well.  It keeps us focused on the real reason for Christmas instead of all the hustle and bustle.

We try to keep up on his visual aides.  We have many systems in place to help him with his triggors.  If he can see things written out, it helps him to place them into his mind.  For instance, if we have a holiday event, we make sure he knows about it in advance.  We tell him, but also put it in writing so he can also see the change.

We try not to expect to much of him.  This is sometimes difficult for us because we sometimes believe that if we are enjoying something then he would also.  Family parties are very difficult for him.  So we don't expect him to participate for the entire thing.  We DO expect him to be respectful though.  Usually we try to have him eat with the family, but then he can go off by himself.  He has an electronic hand held game or reading a book by himself somewhere that will keep his mind off of all the changes going on, and help him to maintain his emotions.

We (try) to accept things for what they are.  Again, this is difficult for me sometimes.  Every year I picture a perfect (what is that anyway?) Christmas season~I pretty much have a Hallmark Movie playing in my mind!  Then I'm dissapointed when things don't go like I think they should.  I'm trying (in total honesty~~this is very hard for me) to not have any expectations about how things should go, and just enjoy the moments we have right now. 

We know that even our best efforts to help him may not prevent his breakdowns.  The holiday's are a stressful time for him.  If we try to remember that he doesn't like the breakdowns either, it helps us to extend grace.  This makes for a great Christmas time for all of us!

I write these things not because I am an expert or have it all together (oh, I seriously don't have it all together!  I fail miserably some days.).  I write these things to remind myself of them also.  I know that like myself with all my quirky personality traits, our son is also a perfectly made gift of God.

Blessings,

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God"
1 Corinthians 10:31